Captain Hamer and Private Smith1
by Book-Master
Summary: First in a mini series of shorts. Captain Hamer is an experienced fighting man, and along with his nimcompoop assistant, they find adventures PLEASE RR!


Midnight, Terran temporary camp  
  
Behind a rock during briefing  
Captain Hamer: All right men were fighting the Zerg now, and although they look  
  
big and scary at first, just remember that they put there pants on  
  
just the same as we do.  
  
Remember were expecting a sneak attack tomorrow afternoon so were going  
  
to get a good nights sleep and then surprise them in the morning.  
  
*Low rumbling*  
  
Private Smith: If we don't wear pants can we go back to our tents?  
  
Captain Hamer: No.  
  
Private Smith: So what do we do with the wounded?  
  
Captain Hamer: hmmmmm We'll put the wounded back here at the hospital.  
  
Private Smith: OK, bye!  
  
Captain Hamer: HALT wait where are you going?  
  
Private Smith: Well I thought that I would head over to the hospital.  
  
Captain Hamer: NO, your not!  
  
Private Smith: Oh rats!  
  
Captain Hamer: Cut the cursing!  
  
Private Smith: Oh fiddle!  
  
Captain Hamer: FINE, for cursing and swearing in the line of duty you get  
  
three kicks.  
  
Private Smith: Oh bug juice!  
  
Captain: That's six Private, You want to go for 9?  
  
Private Smith: Sure might as well.  
  
Captain Hamer: Fine you want to buck the system and be a little rebel  
  
SO your up to 9!  
  
Private Smith: Ah darn!  
  
Captain Hamer: There's 12 how about 15 you want to go for bigger numbers huh?  
  
GO ahead we got the time get it out of your system!  
  
Private Smith: I thought I was bucking the system...  
  
Captain Hamer: Your bucking against life private!  
*Sounds begin*  
Private Smith: I knew a bucking Hydralisk once.  
  
Captain Hamer: Yes and what did it get him? He bucked and he bucked and he bucked  
  
and what did it get him Tell me?  
  
Private Smith: Well, he threw my friend in threw the front door.  
  
Captain Hamer: Exactly, do you see what all this means?  
  
Private Smith: Not really...  
  
Captain Hamer: It means........... It means you have 12 kicks coming your way.  
  
You want to go for 15?  
  
Private Smith: Nah, I'm out of arguments.  
  
Captain Hamer: Well twelve's bad enough. If you ever tried to get a job  
  
after this do you think someone would give you one?  
  
Private Smith: I wouldn't...  
  
Captain Hamer: Neither would I Private, in fact with your lousy record  
  
I'm not sure you have a place in our outfit, how does that make you feel?  
  
Private Smith: Can I go to the hospital?  
  
Captain Hamer: NO!  
  
Private Smith: Drat!  
  
Captain Hamer: THERE'S 18 PRIVATE! You keep piling them on!  
  
Private Smith: I think it's only 15...  
  
Captain Hamer: Fifteen, Eighteen, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!?  
  
Private Smith: Columbus discovered America in 1518...  
  
Captain Hamer: Yes, and the reason he discovered America was because he didn't  
  
stand around cursing and swearing. He sailed his ships, he studied the stars  
  
, HE WROTE IN HIS LOG!  
  
Private Smith: My dad burns logs in his stove...  
  
Captain Hamer: That's exactly my point private. Do you want to burn logs,  
  
or do you want to sail the ocean?  
  
Private Smith: Well........I don't like water...  
  
Captain Hamer: Exactly, and if you continue getting bad stuff on your record  
  
you'll spend your whole life........hmmmmmmm was that an explosion?  
  
Private Smith: I think it was the ocean...  
  
Captain Hamer: WHAT!?  
  
Private Smith: I said, Columbus sailed across the ocean, but at the end  
  
of every ocean there's a pot of rain drops...  
  
*Captain sighs*  
*Bigger explosion*  
Captain Hamer: Private can I tell you something?  
  
Private Smith: Sure anything.  
  
Captain Hamer: I'll be honest. Sometimes the things I say just.. don't seem  
  
to make any sense...  
  
Private Smith: I'll be dern!  
  
Captain Hamer: Please don't swear.  
  
Private Smith: Sorry, I wont be dern. I'll never be dern.  
  
Captain Hamer: Good, I hope you mean that.  
  
Private Smith: Oh, I do.  
  
Captain Hamer: Good. Sometimes I feel like.. my mind is a bowl of scrambled eggs!  
  
Have you ever got that feeling?  
  
Private Smith: Boy I love eggs...  
  
Captain Hamer: I know but I'm talking about the.. sensation of Scrambled eggs  
  
Have you ever thought that your entire life. All your thoughts were coming  
  
out of a bowl of scrambled eggs?  
  
Private Smith: Well let's see... Nope never have!  
*Explosions and gunfire sound*  
Captain Hamer: hmmm Just as I thought. IT"S THIS JOB! Te crushing responsibility  
  
day after day!  
  
Private Smith: Um, captain...  
*Captain Sighs heavily*  
  
*Walks back over and puts his hand on Marines shoulder*  
  
Captain Hamer: I'm glad we've been able to have this conversation. It's so seldom  
  
that I get to talk with the men...  
  
Private Smith: Yeah or even us Marines.  
  
Captain Hamer: Exactly...  
  
Private Smith: Hay, uh, Captain...  
  
Captain Hamer: The hour is late private and the night is dark. What are we doing  
  
behind this rock?  
  
*Sounds stop*  
  
Private Smith: Well let's see....... I don't remember  
  
You reken were waiting for food?  
  
Captain Hamer: Maybe so although I don't recall anyone ever serving meals at this hour...  
  
Private Smith: Yeah, and if the cooks not making food, it doesn't make  
  
much sense to be waiting for them, I guess.  
  
Captain Hamer: Good point son, Maybe we should go back to bed.  
  
Private Smith: Boy, I'll go for that.  
  
Captain Hamer: I don't know about you but I'm worn out. I'm ready for a nap.  
  
Private Smith: Yes me to but one thing concerns me captain?  
  
Captain: What's that private?  
  
Private Smith: WHERE'S OUR CAMP!!??  
_________________________________________________  
  
Episode two will be coming soon......PLEASE R/R!!!!! 


End file.
